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Feeling loved and cared for is an essential part of a relationship. Our love lives ultimately become safe places for our deepest frustrations and greatest joys. Of course, there may be moments within the connection that the partner is busy or working through there own internal stuff and can’t cater to you as normal. This is when your tribe comes in to fill the gaps–but these should be seasons, not what you’re used to within your partnership.
“It’s important for partners to feel connected and to love and care for each other, but it’s not realistic to expect one other person to meet all of our needs,” sexuality sociologist Dr. Elizabeth Anne Wood told Elite Daily. “We also need to be able to lean on friends, family, and even professionals sometimes.”
But if you find yourself reaching for affection and love more from outside of your relationship than inside your relationship, it’s time for a conversation.
“Any time you feel like your needs aren’t being met, then you need to talk about it,” Wood said. “These aren’t easy conversations, and it’s important to frame them in terms of your own needs and desires, and not in terms of the other person’s failures.” She advised framing your frustrations with “I” statements versus “you” statements so your significant other doesn’t feel attacked.
“Rather than saying to your partner, “You aren’t supporting me,” or, “You never respond to my texts,” say something like, “I feel like we’re disconnected, and I wish we talked more,” Wood advised.
After you communicate your feelings, give space for modified behavior.
“If your partner has listened and expressed an interest in doing better, but doesn’t seem to be able to, then you might first want to explore couples therapy or relationship coaching before deciding that you’re incompatible,” Wood recommends.
If after therapy, coaching and conversation and there still isn’t an attitude adjustment, you may need to consider ending the relationship.
“Ultimately, though, if your partner is unwilling or unable to connect in the way that you need … this is a sign that the two of you aren’t compatible,” Wood explained.
